THREE THINGS I WANT FROM MY PRESIDENT BETWEEN MAY 2015 AND MAY 2019

The election season is here again...but wait, we’ve been having elections off and on in various states ever since Maurice Iwu’s 2007 widely disputed  Iwuruwuru (s)elections and the subsequent tribunal judgements that trailed almost every state election, led to deviations from the regular standard gubernatorial elections calendar. But this time around, in addition to the remaining states’ governorship elections, we have the big one- the presidential elections coming up in February next year. The drama and excitement are steadily building up. Are you excited yet?

Quite interestingly, noise about the elections had been very few and far between, mainly because our incumbent, Oga Jona, wasn’t very keen on declaring his interest early on (or maybe, he just pretended he wasn’t very interested in occupying Aso rock a second time and therefore, will need to consult or be persuaded before taking up the thankless but highly enriching task of leading Nigeria again); and also because the APC guys were still shuffling their feet, trying not to step on each other’s toes, in this very important event that will be make-or-break for the party (I mean, let’s be frank, the main purpose of the formation of APC by the PDP castaways was to grab Nigeria’s central seat of power from their former party).

But in the past one month, Buhari’s announcement of his intention to be president, which seemed to suddenly wake GEJ (and PDP) from slumber and enable him to conclude consultations and finally get “convinced” to contest the coming elections, has led to plenty of the much-anticipated noise and debate about the February presidential elections. Suddenly, news and social media are discussing the elections with more gusto. Suddenly, the coming elections has become the major topic of discussion during lunch break at workplaces, among okada riders at their stands, and among bus commuters sweating in Lagos traffic. Suddenly, it doesn’t seem like GEJ will have a smooth-sailing ride to victory in the elections. Suddenly, APC does look like it will put up a fight in the coming elections. Suddenly Buhari looks like the man to beat- or be beaten again.

NIS RECRUITMENT: WHEN JOB SEEKERS BECOME MARTYRS

Just when you think you've seen and heard it all in this jungle of a country, another mind-numbing incident happens and you start to wonder if Nigeria isn't an extension of hell...

I've only ever been in a Nigerian Immigration Service (NIS) office for three hours but two things were clear to me from that brief visit. One, every Tom, Dick and Harry, if given the opportunity, wishes to leave Nigeria- but that's topic for another day. Two, the NIS is a very corrupt and disorganized institution. Or how else would you describe a government office in Nigeria where workers resume before 8a.m just to ensure they can get as much passport applicants who will pay them sharp-sharp processing fees to get their passports within the blink of an eye, with such fees usually being double the amount the legit process requires to get the same passport? I doubt if there's any of our Immigration officers that knows or remembers the legit process to apply for and collect these international passports any more, the dubious means has become the normal mode of operation. Of course if you've been to any of the NIS offices, you'll agree with me that the ratio of khaki-wearing officers to passport applicants at peak period is approximately 2:1- yes, I mean that there are more officers than applicants themselves at every point in time in Immigration offices across Nigeria. Really, NIS is a place I'll want to visit ONLY when I absolutely have to.

NIGERIA AT 100: WHAT EXACTLY ARE WE CELEBRATING?

It’s a very sad me typing this right now. Just when I was still trying to come to terms with the fact that $20 billion of our commonwealth had been stolen and we weren’t ever going to get it back, since the whistle-blower aka noisy CBN governor had been ousted, I learnt about the gruesome killing of over 50 teenagers in a Federal Government College in Yobe state by the Boko Haram sect with 20 girl children abducted in the process ( as I write this, I’m pondering with fear what exactly those girls, if they are still alive, will be going through right now). I lived in the boarding house of a Federal Government College for three years myself and I still remember vividly the few and far between times we heard stories like a man coming into the hostel to rape girls and the beating of some supposed  student witches by fellow students and the kind of fear those stories put me in for days and weeks. So I can’t even begin to imagine what those teenage students experienced that dark night. I was still in shock about the incident when I learnt the Boko Haram sect had invaded a village in Adamawa and slaughtered over 20 people. All these in less than one week! At that point, I wasn’t sure my heart could take any more bad news from Nigeria, preferring to just read about happenings around the world from CNN and co. Only for me stumble across a news item that the Federal Government had drawn up a list of 100 people for Centenary awards that will be handed out during the 100 years’ of Nigeria. Centenary what? I quickly found the list on the internet and on skimming it, it dawned on me that even after 100 years of being a country- and more than 53 years of being independent- we still don’t have a clue of what we are doing or where we are headed.